Sunday, August 14
didn't go to church today. *honks nose pointedly* slept the day away instead. i
love sleeping. that warm drowsy feeling you get when you're lying on your bed hugging your bolster with the comforter wrapped snugly around you.. and your mind wandering, wandering.. and you feel yourself drifting slowly away, further and further down.. through the ever darkening layers of semi-consciousness.. to that land of imagination where the impossible is always achieved and reality is undefined. even though you know you're only dreaming.. it just feels so
right somehow. all the wrongs become right and the rights aren't worth dreaming about.
picked up a book in my parents' room hunting for tissue paper. 'the homosexual agenda'. i realise there is a lot of truth in it, but i also think that the book is too biased. talk about emotive language! if someone can actually write a complete un-biased book on the evils of homosexuality that does not condemn any
person, i believe the whole concept will sell better. oh well.
the alchemist is
still playing on my stereo. my sister says it grows on her. =D well it more of ate into me than grew on me. imagine. seeping slowly through the cracks of your consciousness.. entering you.. becoming you.. til you can't breathe can't sleep can't live. that's music to me. fatal obsession? maybe.
if i could turn this dust to gold, you'd see it clearly, trying to earn your love is just like trying to learn the art of alchemy.i'm watching the tealeaves unfurl in my mug. they say people are like teabags. you only know what you're capable of when you're put in hot water. well i've been stewing in hot water for a long time, i'm probably too angsty and tough a teabag, maybe i'll produce something worthwhile in boiling water. or boiling mercury? i think love is like tealeaves. you only taste its real flavour when you pour hot water over it. then it unfurls slowly, painfully, to reveal its vulnerablity.
sometimes i think what i long for isn't really love in itself. it's really just affection. that warm feeling you get when you're lying against someone you really love and trust, cos you know that person won't get up suddenly and let you fall. things like how genevieve-not-a-hammie's the best person to lay your head on and fling your arms around. and how janet can smell me before she looks up and sees me! maybe i'm just a snuggly, cuddly sort of person. damnit i sound like a hamster.
things i have to do today:
1. plan essay outlines for 3 different econs questions for tomorrow's timed assignment. i hope no one sneaks in a previously-done essay and hands it up again. sickening the depths to which people sink for grades in hwachong, isn't it?
2. do lit homework because i don't fancy getting thrown out of class. i used to be so enthusiastic about doing lit homework in sec sch! i think chris was the catalyst. =( well now i just have to motivate myself.
3. study tingxie. i really pity the chinese teacher, we are awful to him.
4. do math homework. ditto above. no time to start preparing for wed's math test. all this is going to take approximately the rest of my life. *sighs deeply* and i left my calculator at jean's house. wonder how i'll do the test on wed.
bev and i were talking about how love's nothing but cliched bullshit. well. she says it's cliche, and i'm convinced it's both cliche and bullshit. i realised how awfully true that is when i was at the doctor's yesterday waiting for my turn. i wrote a short piece on my phone. at first i meant to use the term ' love' instead of ' affection' but i realised how horribly overused that word is. so i'll let affection be the tool through which love is shown. but love in general is so cliche! counting everything i've ever written, i realise the proportion of love-related items are startling. i mean, there's unrequited love, which is self-explanatory. angsty love, which can also be read as the 'damnit-fate-is-against-us' situation. unwanted love, also self-explanatory. scary love, related to unwanted love. and of course, happily-ever-after love! i'm sure there are other categories but you get my drift. i'm sick of being in love with love, but i can't seem to find a way out of this crazy cycle. i think i have to go and fall in love with something else completely isolated from this sickening topic. unfortunately nothing is.
maybe the art of alchemy? hurhurhur.
i prefer angsting to actually doing something constructive about my situation. so really i'm just an empty vessel making a great deal of noise huh. *shoots self* byebye.
in my dreams i'll always see you soar above the skies, in my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life.
it must've been love.
3:33 pm
xoxo
